Je Suis Perdu

“…When I’m deep inside of me
don’t be too concerned.
I won’t ask for nothin’ while I’m gone.
But when I want sincerity
tell me where else can I turn.
Because you’re the one I depend upon.

“Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you. ” — Billy Joel

“The Stranger” was the first album I ever bought for myself. I liked it so much I bought “52nd Street” when it came out the following year — especially since the subway stop for my high school was 53rd & Third.

“Honesty” is a song that has followed me since 1978.

A long time ago, I was an avid, rabid, journal-keeper. Over the years I’ve lost touch with that, only to occasionally take up a new blank book to try again. Blogging seems easier, because it’s become easier to type things than write them, but I censor myself heavily. The whole world doesn’t need to know my most intimate details or what laundry detergent I prefer to use. The world may want to know, but the world doesn’t need to know.

We all censor ourselves, even in, and perhaps especially in, our day-to-day interactions.

Sometimes truth – honesty – is too painful or disturbing to look at, even for ourselves, let alone for the people around us.

What do you do then? It doesn’t go away. Do you articulate it, regardless of the pain and hurt and resentment it will cause?

I don’t know the answers.

The things that I thought I knew as “true” twenty years ago, don’t seem to hold up as well now, so sometimes it feels like my world is shifting and changing, and I have yet to find firm footing.

No, I don’t know the answers. I only have the questions.


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